Finding Self Worth in Unexpected Places
If this is your first time reading one of my blogs, it’s important that you know how I was raised. As a child, I was raised in south Arkansas. Where we lived was very conservative and Christian. Church was not just a Sunday morning routine, it was a thing that you did throughout the week. From an early age, I was taught Bible stories that encouraged a sense of discipline, fear, and dependency. The dependency was the important part.
I was constantly searching for approval in everything that I was doing. I didn’t know how or what I should be doing without consulting a leader or the church or referring to a scripture. The fear of eternal damnation was driving my dedication. It was slowly, but surely creating a negative space in my head where I felt like I couldn’t make decisions on my own.
When I became a teenager and got involved in youth ministry, my former youth minister took advantage of that through emotional and physical abuse.
He took my dedication and used it to his advantage, getting me on “his side”. For me, my dedication to him and making sure that he was happy appeared to be my ticket to eternal happiness with God. I felt that my youth minister was the gatekeeper to Heaven.
Questioning the “Joke”
As I went through college, I started to question some of the things that my former youth minister did to me. It no longer seemed like a funny joke, but instead like something that was controlling me to his benefit. I remember the first time that I talked about it with a pastor. I was sitting on the floor of Walker Hall at University of the Ozarks. It was before the pastor was going to be assigned to my home church and I wanted to tell him about my experience. I talked with him on the phone, crying about the experiences that I had. I begged him to let my former youth minister go so I wouldn’t feel uneasy every time I went home. At the time, it appeared that he listened to me. Unfortunately, my former youth minister continued working there for another 8 years.
For me, my self esteem has always been rooted in what makes other people happy. It seemed almost natural for me to become a therapist because I loved helping people see how incredible they really are. What I didn’t expect was that I would find my self esteem through helping my clients find theirs. The first time it happened, it wasn’t from a client saying “thank you” or telling me that I was a good therapist.
It was in a look.
I proposed a question about how they were viewing a particular situation and they just stared at me. It was almost like they were looking right through me, trying to figure out what had just been said. It was followed with, “Oh” and then complete silence. I always ask the question, “Where’s your head at?” when I see a client with this face. They responded with, “Why did that question just make so much sense?”
It was at that moment that I realized I actually knew what I was doing as a therapist.
From Preaching to Guiding
Every time I tried to preach a sermon or help something figure out a scripture, I felt like I was unable to connect the dots. I was finding myself completely lost and overwhelmed. However, in therapy, I felt like I found my true gift. I was doing the exact opposite that I was raised to do. I was allowing clients to be an authentic version of themselves, forging their path in a way that made sense to them. I was doing this through questions, not statements. I was finding myself as a whole human, not an empty vessel.
My self esteem looks a lot different than it used to. Instead of pouring it all into another person, place, or thing, I’m using it solely for myself. I started to tell myself my worth instead of seeking other people to tell me what it is. Having that confidence has changed the game for me. Not only do I know that I’m a badass, but I’m living that lifestyle and I’m unashamed.
